Anger from Abuse

Abuse is a horrible thing. It happens all the time, sometimes we do it without realizing what we're doing. There are various forms that abuse can take. There is physical, inflicting bodily harm on another person. This is what always comes to mind, but there is a shift where people are beginning to recognize it goes far beyond that. There is mental abuse, where someone creates a prison around your mind. Like an armed checkpoint at a nation's border, they inspect each thought that goes in your mind and tells you what "passes" or "fails". There's emotional abuse, this involves belittling what is important to the other and finding ways to weaponize emotions against you. And of course there is sexual abuse, a disgusting act that manages to violate someone in the most intimate and demoralizing way possible.

Abuse is any action that results in harm upon another with the intent to reduce their value as a human being, often as a means to build the abuser up.

So many, too many, have experienced abuse in one form or another. When one suffers from abuse it is common for anger to manifest, being one of the chief symptoms that others observe. Many preach about the "evils of being angry." Yes, a life marked by anger can be a long and bitter existence, but anger itself is not the problem. Anger is a warning sign that something isn't right. How many wake up feeling angry for kicks and giggles? No, anger rises to the surface when something is wrong. This anger is important to understand because when we become angry from abuse it's easy for us to be critical towards ourselves and it can be the only visible sign that others see.

As that anger mounts over time and we try harder and harder not to be angry it gets more resilient. If every time you get sick you run to the medicine cabinet your body loses its ability to fight against a common sickness, such as a cold. In the same way, the more we try to fight anger by "fighting it" versus stepping into it, the more we emotionally lose the ability to stave if off. We lose our ability to regulate our emotions and instead anger becomes our only emotion or at the very least our baseline. (Baseline is a term to indicate when someone is at normal levels. Each person's baseline is different, but in human behavior it's helpful in letting professionals and staff be on alert for something wrong.)

When you're angry stop trying to not be angry. Stop trying to compound it into an even more ferocious beast. Anger won't go away that way. No, when it comes to anger you have to take a very courageous act and step into it. Feeling and admitting to the fact that you're angry is important. Then after stepping into it, you have to consciously decide to deny it its power. This isn't the same thing as denying yourself the ability every to grow angry again. No, that's the failed method of trying harder and harder. Denying anger its power means you recognize it for what it is: a flashing emergency light that you need to pop the hood of your heart. It means you reach a place where you understand that anger isn't the root problem, but you also understand that anger won't solve your problems either.

In terms of faith, Jesus is able to save us from this personal hell. He's able to step in and clean up the mess. He's able to fan out the flames. But we have to let him and ask him to. As Pastor Kerry Krissel says in his practice at the Center, he believes that when we ask God for help or forgiveness we are rescued from it, but that it takes time for that behavior to change. He uses the example of buying a new car. If your turn signal switch used to be on the left, but it's now in the right you're still going to reach for where it used to be. Changing any sort of behavior is no different. Anger is no different.

As I said, anger is a warning bell, but it's also a refuge when you have no where else to turn. Anger brings with it a sense of power and capability. Shove something with anger and there's more force behind it. Yell something in anger and you shout louder. Drive angry and you're going to go faster. Anger has a tangible impact on our actions. Each time we let ourselves become angry that anger calls out to us for alittle more juice. Yes, anger warns of something not being right, but it is not an excuse. We don't get to go around being angry and then blame anger. Whatever we do in anger we're still accountable for.

Many counsel about forgiving the abuser and healing from the abuse. I agree. It is important to forgive. It does bring with it restoration. But one thing that I find many don't understand or overlook is that the anger is only partially rooted in anger against the abuse or against the one who watched the abuse and didn't intervene. The real source of that anger is directed at you. If you've been abused then you know what it's like. Those who suffer from abuse almost always internalize: we blame ourselves. We become angry at ourselves because we weren't strong enough, or didn't run away quick enough, or weren't smart enough to see the signs. A clever and skilled abuser will say things that reinforce that lie, "This happened because of you. You're to blame." They will make you think you deserve it and even if you leave them you entire life will a revolving door of one abuse after the next.

Sadly it is true that many will remain around abusers. But often, part of why they remain is they have accepted the crippling belief that THEY are why they're abused. So no matter where they go they'll always find abuse. That no matter where they go everyone else will find healing but not them. This is a lie straight from Satan's playbook. He wants you to believe that you are the problem. He could care less whether you believe in God or not, but he does care about getting in between the pair of you. He does want you to think that Jesus isn't strong enough to save you. That you're somehow not praying hard enough. He wants you to believe that everyone else can find healing, but not you.

It's all a lie.

Firstly, Jesus conquered the grave, he rose from the dead. If he can step in and out of Hell he can rescue us from anger. Secondly, none of us is that special. What I mean is no one alive is unique enough that only they can't be saved or healed when everyone else can. In counseling and coaching I've worked with so many, especially younger clients, who think their story and symptoms are unique. Yes, each person has a story, and no matter how similar to someone else it's still their own, but no one is so unique from others that they can't be healed.

A blog space is a poor arena for someone to explore their anger and find healing from it, but I still wanted to offer some insight. Please, no one think that this is an exhaustive or comprehensive look. There is so much more to be said, that really can only be said verbally in person or over the phone. It's not sufficient in this context. With that being said, I do hope this post gives greater clarity into why anger grows from abuse and early steps we can take to move beyond it. Anyone and everyone is welcome to contact me.

In summary, anger warns us that something is wrong. Anger won't go away unless we step into it and tell it the power it once had is gone. We'll never stop being angry until we forgive ourselves. No one is beyond healing. For those who accept faith as an answer, Jesus is wholly sufficient to care for us and our sins.