Dismantling an Abuser's Power

The Abuser is a con artist.

Abusers are wounded people. They grew up in a dysfunctional family, their life is full of misery, and they have little to no hope. Abusers are missing something and whatever it is they’re missing is deeply and strongly felt. They know something is missing, but can’t be bothered to change their ways. Instead, Abusers look to other people to fill that need. This is often a common pull when they draw in potential romantic partners. Each are drawn to the emptiness or pain of the other. The Abuser will speak to the other’s pain by talking about their own.

One of the most harmful ways they do this is by stepping into a role that is absent in the other’s life. As an example if they sense or know the other is missing a parent in their life they step in and act as a parental figure. It is not uncommon for there to be a large gap in age since the Abuser is playing role of both parent and lover. Under no circumstances should these roles ever been fused together. The Abuser hones in on that missing piece and showers their victim with attention and so-called “love.” They spit out an assembly line of endearing words, “Hi darling” or “Hello beautiful.” They identity and prey upon a victim who badly wants to believe those words are genuine. This longing causes them to want to believe the other is truthful and will never harm them. Or if they are abused, they brought upon themselves. But slowly, over time, the abuse will suck the victim dry. Emotionally, mentally, financially, every piece of their life will be shriveled up like a dry sponge until nothing remains.

Now please understand, Abusers aren’t nearly as special as they think they are. Abusers seek to numb their pain in one of the most common self-medicinal methods: control. When they have control over another, whether romantically, sexually, in employment, in the home, in government, in church, or whatever the situation, that power to say “yes or no” intoxicates them. It’s a hit they crave for. If they haven’t had that sense of elation in awhile then they need to stir things up to reassert themselves as dominate in the situation.

Really, Abusers are pathetic. It’s not a kind way of putting it, but that’s what they are. They’re stuck in some moment in time or bad memory and can’t get out. I hear people say, “But they’re wounded people,” about others all the time. Sure, that’s true, but stop saying it as though it makes the situation somehow any different. Whether they’re wounded or not, that makes no difference. They are still choosing to abuse others. The only real reason why it’s so important to understand that abusers are empty inside is because they present as strong, or powerful, or competent, but the truth is they’re not.

Abusers know something is lacking so they do everything in their power to distract. They’re like a well train magician, throwing around glitzy objects and flashing lights so you don’t see their sleight of hand. Abusers take a characteristic that they already possess and amp it up to a thousand. Are they good with mechanics than you can be sure they’ll have a sweet ride to show off. Are they athletic then you’ll find them at the gym or in some kind of sporting league. Are they smart then they’ll go to college to earn at least one master’s degree if not further educational accolades. Good with money? Then they’ll open a business not much different from the cliché mafia butcher shop where business looks great out front but everything is terrifying in the back.

Abusers know how to take a part of their personality, skill, or interest, and turn it on others. It might even have some genuine benefit. They really do know how to manage and operate a successful local business that helps keep money in the community. They really do know how to write and present a great sermon, one that brings others into a deeper faith. At first meeting, they’re going to wow you. Even if they conventionally have little to offer there’s going to be something there, an allure that is the string they use to pull you in. Abusers always create a perfect illusion, two worlds with a razor thin barrier separating them. Just as they’re empty on the inside, the illusion they’ve created is no different. They’ll appear to be at the top, but one gentle turn of the wind and it’s all gone.

Knowing that Abusers are really just seeking help or self-fulfillment is fine and dandy, but if we don’t talk about their playbook then we’ve missed the mark. Abusers think themselves clever and believe themselves to be the inventors of something new. Truthfully, they use the same rinse and repeat method that has been used since time was recorded.

The first tactic to be aware of is gaslighting. Gaslighting is the, “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

That’s the dictionary definition. In more simple terms the abuser becomes a parasite and a gatekeeper to your mind. Like going through a security checkpoint at the airport, where your belongings are rifled through and your body ran over by a scanner, the Abuser inspects your thoughts and surroundings. They cause you to doubt your own fears and concerns and make you lose any sense of reality.

This is important because our intuition, our internal alarm system, actually picks up on a lot more red flags than any of us ever think. A skilled Abuser knows this and knows they have to place a wedge in between you and that warning system. So they step in and cause you to wonder if what you’re thinking and feeling is valid. “Are they really that dangerous? Are they really mistreating me? Am I the ungrateful one? Am I the lazy one? Am I the problem?”

They get you to pivot your thinking to where you are now the issue and not them. This is done over time. Often through manipulative words. They act like the advisors of old, whispering in the king or queen’s ear. No one else hears their counsel, but you. And unless you’re able to get an objective, outside opinion to pop the illusion, you get trapped in it.

In its final stages, gaslighting will cause you to agree with and view the world around you through the eyes of the abuser. Suddenly if they see the sky as purple, you’ll also see the sky as purple. If they say the grass is actually pink, you’ll also see the grass as pink. They create doubt and then step into the situation to act as your pretend rescuer. They promise everything will be alright as long as you comply with their wishes. Gaslighting isn’t the same thing as being victimized. (Expand on this further as I’m not quite sure how you want to explain this.)

Of course, Abusers do not abuse everyone in the life. He/she knows when to play it "cool", and be "calm". They abuse, who they believe are inferior, vulnerable, easily intimated, and can be easily influenced; "yes" people; people-pleasers, etc.

If an abuser come face to face with a strong, self-respected, valued, and confident person... within a few minutes, the abuser backs off because they know it is waste of time trying to break down that person. Imagine trying to drive a card down a road where a tree fell. You know it’s a waste of time so you find another route. Obviously the two situations are very different, but the idea remains the same. Abusers want a quick fix and one where the investment is minimal. Remember, they’re looking for another person to numb their personal wounds. When you’re starving you’re going to want something you can eat quickly not a meal that will take you hours to prepare.

In addition to it being a waste of their time, the Abuser fears being discovered. Someone who doesn’t mind telling others “no” can sift through the charm and lies to spot the Abuser for what they truly are. A con artist.

It’s common for the victim to wonder, "why is he/she doing this to me? Aren't I special?" The blunt truth is: no, you’re not. No one is special to an abuser. Not their parents, or kids, or lovers, or friends. Every relationship is a tool to be used. Like a hammer or a shovel. When it’s no longer of use finding a replacement costs them zero emotional sacrifice.

Once the abuser sucks every last drop out, when he/she leaves nothing but a limp dried out piece of rag... the abuser will leave... they say to the victim something like, "you know I love you, but you don't understand what I need" or "I need to go away, I am not happy. It is not you, it is me" or some other bullshit. Because as with every person before the victim and every person after, no one is ever able to fill in that need.

Abusers drain their victims and leave them like a shriveled-up rag. Gas lighting and manipulation are certainly a part of the equation, but there’s another piece to consider.

Abusers don’t view any of their successes as good enough. They’re all fleeting achievements that do little to nothing to fill the void in their heart. But your achievements…well that’s a different story. Because if they can take credit for them it gives them a perfect weapon to use against you and they can’t be that bad after all. If they made you who you are, if they taught you all you know, then they tell themselves their the key behind what you’ve accomplished. Where would you be without them, they think?

You see, what marks your life they syphon on. Not only are Abusers pathetic, but they’re parasites. They suck your soul. They’re drainers. They drain out your strength, dreams, and Will to move forward in order to fuel their own need. But for every good thing you achieve it’s not enough. There needs to be another good thing and another and another and another.

Now they will take credit for the good in your life, but they somehow are magically absolved from any failures or mistakes. They can take credit for the one daughter who turns our “stable” but the one who’s an absolute train wreck waiting to happen they had no part in it. When you make a mistake, which we all do, they’re going to be there to point it out. If they’re really good at manipulation they’re going to play the role of the Devil. They clean up the mess, with seemingly well-meaning intentions, only to obscure the fine print. Later down the road that mistake and their involvement in correcting it will get brought up. But then that was the whole point. They never helped because they wanted to help. They helped to use it as ammo.

Whatever you do, triumphs or defeats, will be weaponized against you. It will always be used to build them up and tear you down. Try to push back and they now have the perfect list, a hundred miles long, to read off and shut you down. Over time their identify becomes you just as you become them. Any sense of self begins to disappear. The deeper this sort of tether goes the harder it is to cut. Because when you do try to cut it they’re going to launch everything they have at you to keep you where they want. But it’s not just about controlling you, it’s about controlling everyone else. Their house of cards is so wobbly they fear the day when their victim bucks against their agenda. They fear having everything brought down. You’re not just standing up against them, you’re standing up against their entire world view.

Abusers do not live in reality. They live in a place where they are stuck as the victim. They believe that with time any new found relationship will step in and fill in the gap left by whatever relationship was absent from their past. As stated, this can start by viewing the relationship as a positive thing, even cherishing it, but over time that doesn’t cut it so they have to escalate. But this isn’t the only problem, Abusers lack the ability to take on any self-responsibility. They will always target you. When you or someone else attempts to suggest otherwise this becomes a major threat to them. They will use deceptive charm, manipulation, coercion, or violence, to get you to align with their view. If you can’t then they change tactics, which in their minds makes sense. You are the problem, everyone else is the problem. They are never the problem.

Going back to the example of acting as parent and lover, many an abuser will always view themselves as the hero. They say their rescuing the other, taking them out of their horrible life. Yet, all the while they’re adding to it. They sleep with their victim, suck their victim dry, absorb the other’s identity, steal their achievements, convince their victim that they really are what’s best for them…Are you starting to see how they operate? Are you seeing how their view of realty and actual reality don’t align? An abuser is at constant odds with reality. They have to be. Because there’s nothing sane about their perspective of life or the way in which they live it out.

An abuser doesn’t work all that hard to make you out to the in the wrong. In their head you already are. If you do what they want you’re useful, but dare to step out of line or don’t play their game and they have to shut you down. When handling an Abuser you have to adopt a “non-negotiation stance with terrorists.” Because in a very real sense that’s what they are. They will terrorize you until they grow bored or you give up. When thing that keeps so many stuck under an Abuser’s heel is the fact that the road to recovery is almost always harder initially then if they just comply. That’s intentional. They think that if they yell enough, or make enough threats, or wear you ragged, then you’ll give up and that fountain of control they desire stays in their grasp.

Expert Abusers create an atmosphere of abuse without actually directly abusing you. They employ subtle tactics and hide their tracks well. Not all abuse leaves a psychical mark for others to see. To someone on the outside the Abuser appears fine and you appear as ungrateful, bitter, or irrational. Don’t let them dupe you! That’s their plan. Their plan is to get you to think that you’ve created this mess. But you haven’t created a mess; they did. Which is why no matter how much they say they want to change or how much therapy they get, most abusers rarely change.

People don’t like to say that others don’t change. Is sounds despondent and glum, but more times than not it’s true. Abusers don’t change because it’s too difficult. The idea of change sounds nice, but when they begin to lose their source of alleviation – in this case the person they are abusing – they don’t want to. Can Abusers change? Yes, they can, but it’s rare. Don’t let an abuser play more games with you. It’s just another tactic. They string you along, let you think change occurred, and then blindside you out of nowhere.

They don’t want help in many cases. They’ve bought into the belief that they’re too damaged. Which is why it’s so important for them to dump their self-hate on to others. So if you are listening and you’re in that situation now or you know someone who is, the best advice is find a time when you’re going to be away from them, pack only what you need, and run to a safe home or a domestic violence shelter. In Broome County I know there is RISE and in Susquehanna you can call 880 257 5765 to access the national hotline. There’s also the Women’s Resource Center and MHAST that can assist. Please, do not think that standing up for yourself is going to work. In most cases it brings only further physical harm and escalates an already dangerous situation. If possible have someone be with you as well, preferably not some hot head who’s only going to go to jail and lead to no lasting change.

Remember, having an Abuser change goes far deeper than behavior. You’re asking them to change their worldview and everything they believe. Imagine seeing only black and white and then someone tells you there exists a new set of lenses that adds color. Though that might sound exciting to you and me, to an Abuser such a drastic change will take their breath away. And that’s not acceptable. Abusers are so unhealthy that in that briefest of moment they are forced to come face to face with all that is lacking in their life and it overwhelms them. So they shut it out and direct that pain onto to others.

Where does this sort of sick, calculated behavior come from? Is a person’s mind shaped at birth or through their up brining? Is it a mental health question? Is this a personality disorder? Unresolved trauma? Who knows. It can be any of those factors and all of them. But, I believe, if these behaviors are part of a personality disorder, there are no medication to help with that. It is Behavioral, and the older he/she gets, the chances decrease he/she will make any sort of behavioral change. Because there is always someone out there that will play their next victim.

In summary, Abusers present as nondescript or likable. Spotting them can be difficult. Look for warning signs such as: Someone who presents as nice, but they’re actions say otherwise; they take credit for other’s accomplishments; everyone else is the problem; talk about pain excessively and almost worship it; are completely out of touch view with reality; quick to blame others; an over achiever; someone who always paints previous relationships with a negative outlook; and always makes themselves favorable without any fault.

Dealing with abusers has always been on my heart and I knew that I wanted to take an episode this season to expose them. After what my sister went through these past few years from that awful woman that was the tipping point for me. People like that woman, I won’t use the word I call her on air, at least not for this first season, need to be exposed for the delusion frauds they are. They’re unhealthy, dangerous, and if you refuse to bend to their demands have no problem burning down everything in sight. No one deserves to suffer under such cruelty.

The last point I want to make is for those who listen have suffered abuse, please don’t beat yourself up over two points. Firstly, the Abuser chose to abuse you. Like a good salesman, they said the right words, caged your mind, and kept you captive. Don’t give their voice power when those thoughts creep in your head, telling you it was all your fault. That’s a lie.

Secondly, understand that healing is different for everyone. Depending on what was done and how much trust was broken, it can take a relatively brief amount of time, while others will be struggling to close that wound for years to come. As Pastor Krissel mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Christ can meet us and heal that wound, but that doesn’t mean the residual trauma and behaviors that stem from that go away overnight. At the risk of sounding cliché, be patient with yourself. If it’s been years, and others are telling you to move on I’d wager they have never been in a similar situation. It’s a delicate balance of overcoming what was done while not letting it keep us as victims. Cathy, did you have any closing remarks?

Thank you so much to everyone who listened today. Cathy and I know what it’s like to be in an abusive environment or relationship. You’re not alone and there is a better way.

A huge thanks to Cathy. Thank you for joining me on today’s episode. If she’s willing, I will be inviting her to return in the future.

I look forward to speaking with you next Wednesday for the final episode of this first season. Until then, let’s be intentional to live out fulfilled, balanced, and authentic lives.